Final Peer Responses

Peer Response from 14 January 2016

My experience with sports is completely opposite of yours and Ryan's. I, in no way, shape, or form, have any affiliation with NCAA sports or national sports. My interests lie elsewhere. With that being said, I was able to easily understand the importance of your history with lacrosse. It shows through well that you have created an important connection with the sport. I think that you should focus on finding a way to identify yourself as an athlete that you are comfortable with in the future. 

I did want to comment on some grammar and language issues that I noticed in your writing. Very small stuff like using the correct form of "too" is the one error I found in line 11. Another aspect to improve on is replacing the word "things" with another, more descriptive noun. The last aspect I'd like to bring to your attention is the last paragraph. The sentence structure was a bit confusing to me and I wasn't quite able to understand what you were discussing in it. I hope this helps just a little bit. 

Overall, I enjoyed the impact that lacrosse has had on your life and I hope it continues to positively influence you. 

This was a well written prompt, Matthew. What I loved about it is that it made me want to go out and explore the wilderness myself. Your words were descriptive and poignant, your examples were informative and interesting, and your writing was overall well done. I especially liked Syndrome's quote from "The Incredibles". You get extra points for that. I saw just a few grammatical errors that I'd like to point out to you. Your use of commas seems to be misused at times. Especially in the second sentence. There were also a few issues with the way you added apostrophes. For the most part, though, I really enjoyed reading this prompt. I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future. 

Peer Response 21 January 2016

Like Carly, I also enjoyed the beginning of your story. I thought it represented your feelings well and served as a good intro to the story you were about to tell. The bulk of your story felt cut short as well. I wish you had extrapolated your experience a bit more. I think the comparison with your homecoming to the one at your new school was interesting to add. I would also find it hard to assimilate to that if you didn't appreciate that culture. I think you also should have talked about how senior year was the best year of your life. You talked about why it was bad; I'd like to hear why it was good. 

I loved the way this prompt was developed. You had a good beginning to the story, a good explanation, and a well-done conclusion. You explained well what made you feel like an outsider. I also liked that you varied your sentence structure. Some sentences were detailed and others were short. This made reading your prompt easy and well-paced. 

I noticed a few grammatical errors, though. In the sentence "It could be at work, at school, at a club, at anywhere. The place where I felt like an outsider was at my sport" I think you should replace at with in. Even though it breaks the parenthetical structure rule, I still think it would be a good fix. I also think you should not use the word "very" as often. Lastly, just do a quick proofread before you post to ensure there are no easy errors like using "person" twice on the third line. 

Overall, this was a well-written response. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. 

Peer response 26 January 2016

I also found it weird that in an interview situation you have to take a negative approach. It does seem like an interesting approach to take, but it makes sense. You can get more information that way. I hope your interview goes well. I am also going to add my thoughts to each of the interview questions below. 

How many siblings do you have? - This question doesn't leave any room for extrapolation. It warrants a one-word answer. 

What type of relationship do you have with your siblings? - Add examples to this so it's not too overwhelming for the narrator. "Good?" "Bad?" "close?" "distant?" could work. 

How have your older sibling/siblings helped you grow up? - Great question!

How do you think your other siblings look at you being the youngest? - maybe add the phrase, "did they help or hinder your development?" how so?

How would it be different if you weren’t the youngest? - Also a good question

Did your parents give you special treatment since you are the youngest? - you could also add, "if they didn't, who was the favorite?'

If your older siblings have helped you grow up, how do you think you've helped them grow up? - Awesome question!

What is the most important thing you've learned from your older siblings without them realizing? - or "what is the most important thing your older siblings have taught you" is a good question, too. 

Do you think you act differently now because you are the youngest? - good question

Would you change being the youngest? - also a good question. 

Hopefully, you'll get some good responses to these questions. 

In response to the tip that you found most useful, I also feel that we often come off too aggressive when we have an opposing opinion, so this is an important tip in my opinion, too. The trick is actually following it in practice. The way the things we say comes across is often what gets in the most trouble. I also never thought about your point about TV interviews being with multiple people. You bring up a good point. I think the reason this is is because entertainers are more used to being interviewed than people who are not in the business. 

Below I will put some comments on each of your interview questions. 

1. Why did you decide to be a business major? - Good question. You might want to add a direction for them to extrapolate on. 

2. What other majors were you debating on going into, and what made you choose business over them? - This is a good question as well. 

3. Before entering college, had you thought about what it would be like to be a female working in a traditionally male-dominated field? - Add "If so, how did you overcome this potential obstacle?"

4. So far in your college experience, have you ever felt like your experience as a female business student has differed from that of a male's? If so, how? - Good question. 

5. What are the top three feelings you have about being a female pursuing business? Confidence, nervousness, curiosity, etc.? - Love this question!

6. How do you think today's business world is currently evolving in regards to the genders? Positive changes, negative changes, etc.? - Also love this question!

7. What would you say to current high school females considering pursuing a business degree? -Nice!

8. What has been your best experience so far as an undergraduate business student? Do you think your gender affected this in any way? - Love both questions. 

9. What about your worst experience? Did your gender play a role in that at all? 

10. How do you think women in business are currently perceived in today's society? - Awesome!

I hope your interview goes well. These are great questions!

Peer response 17 February 2016

I really enjoyed reading this. For a college student like me, this hits home so well. I can relate to this so well. I think the piece improved as it progressed. The beginning was less compelling than the things you said in the end. One of my favorite lines is, "You see a difference in what you were six months ago to what you are now, and it is seemingly more mature." It really shows the impact that college has on us. I'm not sure who you are referring to by saying "it" in the last part of that sentence, though.

I really enjoyed this passage, though. Thanks for writing it. It made me think of my college experience so far. 

The message in your piece is the most important part. "It does not matter what order you were born, what does matter is that you are family, and family is always there for each other. Even if you can’t be there during every problem they still know that you care and just want the best for them." Finishing off with this line is what makes the piece. 

This piece also reminds me of the song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones. It's true that once we have one thing we want what we can't have. Especially when interacting with kids, they don't realize this inconvenience and they expect everything possible. My brother does the same thing. So in the end, do you like that you are the oldest? Or do you regret this? I hope you appreciate that you are because it's better than being the youngest in my opinion. 

I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing. 

Peer response 25 February 2016

Wow, such an interesting topic you chose! I really enjoyed learning about this. The introduction really drew me in and it never made me bored either. I loved learning about this trait that you have. I have a few suggestions about how you can improve on it. I think one of the first things you can do is talk about what happened after that dinner conversation after the second paragraph. Go in between the research narrative and your personal narrative. Maybe talk about the doctors visit you might have gone on when you discovered this highly sensitive trait you have. Another thing you can add is an account of a famous individual with this trait. It would be a really cool way for the reader to relate to the story. Plus, everyone loves hearing cool facts about celebrities. Another thing you can do to make your essay better is to add an example of when you either used this trait to your advantage or when it hindered your ability. This can really help the reader appreciate your condition even more. Another thing you might want to consider adding at the beginning of your story is identifying words that describe this identity you have. There are so many directions you can go in with this. As far as research goes, I'd like to see you add some more examples of how it's confused either in the workplace or in real life. 

I love this topic. I think it's a really interesting topic that many people will enjoy learning about. I think it would be great if you let your story shine through a little more. Additionally, adding a celebrity example would also be a good idea if you choose to explore that as well. 

Peer Response 3 March 2016

You did some great research, Abigail. I especially enjoyed learning about the difference between independent children in China and Canada. I can totally see where those values come from in each respect. In western culture, it is perceived as negative to be introverted, whereas in China it is a beneficial attribute. I never thought of the comparison until I saw the research, though. This will be an interesting addition to your essay. I think one thing you can do with the males vs. females High Sensitivity is exploring another comparison besides sensitiveness. I see the reason you chose to include it, but I think more examples would make the research more interesting. With that being said, I think if you had to choose between using one of the two pieces of research, I would definitely choose the first. It's more interesting and better connected to the rest of your essay. 

Peer Response 3 March 2016

Since Abigail gave you some useful comments on argument, I thought I'd go ahead and fix your grammar mistakes. Below is a revised version of your essay for your consideration: 

The debate on how your family’s birth order has been something that we have let take over our personalities. (I would rework this introductory sentence.) In an article by Dorothy Sailor, “Influences on Sibling Relationship”, she mentions studies done on how birthing order has an effect on each person in the family. The results of her finding are as follows: Firstborns are seen as the ones in power, the middle child is seen as the forgotten one and the youngest is seen as the baby. These findings are what everyone has come to see (I’d use a different word than “see”) because they are the typical stereotypes in a family. Also, Sailor’s work states how the age and spacing of siblings have an effect on relationships. It has been proven that as the age gap becomes greater between siblings, the enjoyment of power also becomes greater. However, if the child is prepared by the parents for the arrival of their younger sibling, then they will become more protective of them rather than become jealous of them (Sailor). It has also been said that the oldest has specific traits, such as being adult-like, presenting themselves better, and also being more in control of their actions and words. I have noticed this within myself when I would sit with the adults at parties instead of playing with the children. These are not the only things I am faced with by being the older sibling. People also expect certain traits from me because I am an older sibling. I am constantly correcting my sibling because I have the power is one example. My goal has always been to be the best I can be because I have two younger people looking up to. This became a challenge when I decided to live with one parent instead of the other.

Divorce has an effect on the couple but if the couple has children it can affect them as well. Fighting over who gets what and especially who gets the children can drastically change a child.

With the experiences my stepmom and I shared, and the many studies and stereotypes of first born and children of divorce parents these things become a way of life. However, George Nitzburg finds a way to prove these things to be wrong. In a recent study, Nitzburg found that birthing order does not matter at all. As for the children from divorced families, it depends on how the children interact. He had found that if the children interact more after the divorce, then they are more likely to weaken their relationship once they become adults (Nitzburg). Because of the world we live in today we have just agreed with the stereotypes that people faced in the past and not go back and question what was really going on like Nitzburg had done. I have lived in the stereotype that I have to be in power. I am the third parent to my siblings, and I have to be a nurturer because that is what society told me I have to be. Through experiences I have faced I have come to realize that I am different than this. It doesn’t matter what order you were born in; What really matters is that you are a family.